Mistakes
by mutantpenguins
Summary: A single night changed their lives forever, and Jim isn't too sure he likes it until it's almost taken away. K/S, rated for Jim's language and mentions of adult-ish happenings.


Hello, wonderful people! Read and enjoy! It's cliche, Ember knows, but it was so much fun to write.

* * *

_Mistakes_

The first thing Captain Jim Kirk of the USS _Enterprise_ was aware of when he woke up was a pounding headache. The second thing was that he was oddly warm. Evidently he had had a bit much to drink at the party the crew had thrown the previous night and brought someone to his quarters with him. That, he figured, could have been really awkward depending on who it was.

Memory came back to him just as he opened his eyes and turned to see who was lying beside him. "What the _fuck?_"

"Despite my lack of appreciation for such vulgar exclamations, captain, I concur with your sentiment."

"But- but aren't you supposed to be logical and all? How the _fuck_ did this happen?"

"If you would agree to it, I can share the details of the occurrences of last night."

"No, Spock, that was a rhetorical question. Just... _agh!_ I'm sorry, this should never have happened, I'm leaving now!" Jim's words were rushed as he darted frantically around the room, grabbing his clothes and trying to block the memories rushing through his head.

He had had surprisingly little to drink, but had gotten into yet another fight with his First Officer. That in and of itself was not surprising. It was also not surprising that Jim had led Spock to a more private place than the middle of the party to continue said argument, especially since their fights adversely affected crew morale.

It was incredibly surprising that memory told him when he had gotten into the hallway his quarters were located in he had shoved Spock against a wall and kissed him senseless. Even more surprising was... _no. Bad thoughts._

All of a sudden his headache intensified as a surge of guilt flooded through him. Strangely, though, it didn't feel like any guilt he had felt before. It was almost as if he were suddenly telepathic and able to pick up on others' emotions.

"I apologize," Spock muttered, looking as taken aback as he had ever looked.

"For _what_?" Jim demanded. "You're not the one who shoved someone you couldn't stand at the time up against a wall and-"

"But I am the one who lost control of a mind meld." Spock's voice was quiet, but impeccably clear, void of all emotion.

"Is that why I felt really guilty just now? Some kind of emotional transference thing?"

"Not exactly, Jim." The tone was clipped and somehow even more devoid of inflection than the last, and Jim felt a fresh wave of that foreign guilt. Something was clearly wrong.

"Then what? What happened?"

There was a strong hesitation. Spock clearly did not want to talk about whatever it was.

"If I don't know what it is, we can't do anything about it."

"There is nothing to be done, captain. We have... bonded."

Jim was sure he was dreaming. Spock hadn't just said that, had he?

"I am afraid you are not mistaken. As a result of my loss of control over the mind meld we shared, we have forged a mental link. Its... consummation... makes it very difficult to break without causing severe mental damage."

Well, shit. This was by far the freakiest thing that had ever happened to him.

"I must say I agree."

"Can you stop responding out loud to the stuff I think? That's really creepy."

_Would you rather I respond mentally? This is a different situation for me as well, and I would thank you to remember it._ Jim shuddered; this just wasn't right. He barely tolerated Spock; having the half-Vulcan inside his head was crazy!

_I will be putting up mental blocks and defenses. It will not destroy this bond, but it will limit what I receive from you and you from me._ Well, thank goodness. This was really weird and it would take time in his own head without Spock there as well to get used to it.

Without another word or thought, Jim ran. He had to get away, and fast. This was just too much to deal with.

* * *

"And so you came to me _why_? I ain't gonna fix you up because you got it into your fool head to get roarin' drunk or something!"

"No, Bones! I barely had anything last night," Jim protested. "I just have this awful headache and then all this shit happened-"

"Wait. Explain the shit. You're probably stressed."

Jim sighed gustily. "It's a really really long story."

Bones snorted. "I'll bet it is-you've certainly got plenty to show for it."

"_What_?"

Bones gestured at his neck. Feeling it, Jim noticed certain particular areas were more tender than others. Well, _fuck_. Did the whole world really have to know he'd had sex the night before? "Bastard," he muttered, though he wasn't particularly sure who the insult was aimed at.

"You requested that I arrive at this time for a physical examination, doctor?" Jim froze. He knew that voice.

"Yeah, get over here, you green-blooded- what the hell? Jim, what aren't you telling me?"

He had to leave. He absolutely had to leave.

"I believe it would be more convenient for me to return at a later time," Spock said as he left.

"Yeah, it would," Bones growled. As soon as the door to to the medical bay slid shut, Bones rounded on Jim. "What the hell! You slept with _him_?"

"Bones-"

"What were you thinking? I thought you hated the guy!"

"You ever had hate sex, Bones? It can be pretty hot sometimes."

"This isn't the time for your flippant remarks! What the hell did you _do?_"

Jim laughed bitterly. "I thought that was obvious. You know what? This was a bad idea; I'm going to leave before he comes back."

"Hang on!" Bones shouted. "You missed your own physical. Let me run a few quick tests before you go so I can be satisfied you're not about to die on the bridge when nothing's even happening."

Bones had his tricorder out before Jim could even think of a suitable protest, knowing that the doctor would find-

"Jim, what happened? Your brain readings are different."

"I don't want to talk about it, all right? I'm still trying to get used to it myself," Jim said, knowing he was frowning.

"Look, God dammit, I'm a doctor, not a counselor, but I can tell when something's bugging you, Jim. You _need_ to talk about it."

Jim sighed. "Later, Bones."

"And when the hell will _that-_"

Jim walked out of sickbay before Bones could finish his sentence. It wouldn't do any good to keep arguing with the doctor; he had shit of his own to deal with.

* * *

True to the half-Vulcan's word, Jim did not notice any more flashes of foreign emotion and he did not hear Spock's voice in his mind. He was relieved; that had gotten really creepy really quickly, he reflected as he made his way to the observation deck.

Looking out at their surroundings in space, Jim couldn't help the sense of coming home that swept through him. This was where he belonged, and he wasn't about to let a sudden awkward situation with his First Officer get in the way of that.

That was certainly easier said than done, though, and Jim really had no idea how to handle whatever the hell was going on. Waking up and being informed you were the Vulcan equivalent of married to someone who fought with you on a daily basis and you certainly didn't love could do that to a person.

It wasn't just himself he had to think of, though. Jim was pretty sure the last thing Spock wanted was a bond with someone who didn't want him in his mind at all. Whatever solution Jim came up with had to work for both of them, and hopefully give Spock whatever he felt he could. Jim may have been freaked out, and he most definitely had never been in this kind of situation before, but he wasn't as selfish as everyone made him out to be. He would do whatever he could to ease the awkwardness of their situation for Spock.

Suddenly the door to the deck slid open, and Jim didn't need to turn around to know exactly who was behind him. It was really convenient that Spock had decided to show up right as Jim had made a decision about what to do. "We need to learn to live with each other."

"Could you clarify your statement?" Despite the level tone of Spock's voice, Jim could tell he was confused even without the words he spoke.

"This bond thing's for life, isn't it?" Jim asked, turning to look at his First Officer.

Spock nodded. "Indeed."

"Then we need to get to know each other better, or this is just going to be unbearable for both of us. Do you play chess?"

"I do," Spock replied, clearly not following the sudden shift in conversation.

"Meet me in my quarters after our shift, then," Jim said, looking out at the stars.

All of a sudden Jim could practically feel the shock rolling from Spock in waves. "I beg your pardon?"

"Not like that!" Jim laughed. "Just to play chess. I've never tried playing against anyone from another species before, much less anyone even vaguely related to a Vulcan; I want to see if I can survive."

"Very well." And just like that, Spock left Jim alone with his thoughts and his view of the stars and planets they were passing.

Suddenly, though, the view wasn't quite as good as it had been, so Jim walked away. It was about time to start getting ready for his shift, anyway.

* * *

As the weeks passed, they began to settle a bit more comfortably into the realization they would be stuck with each other for life. Jim had certainly begun to appreciate Spock's logical input on missions after it had saved his own life several times as well as those of multiple away teams. He could only hope that Spock was learning to be a little more impulsive from him.

"Ha! I win!" Jim cried delightedly.

"I fail to see the significance in this," Spock deadpanned.

"Well, isn't it obvious? This is the first chess match I've won against you! I think I'm entitled to a little celebration."

"It is illogical to celebrate over something as mundane as a chess match."

"No, it's not! Loosen up! It's okay to party a little, you know," Jim declared, gently slapping Spock's shoulder.

All of a sudden Jim froze. That tiny bit of contact was enough to forcibly remind Jim that they shared a telepathic link. It had always been in the back of his mind, lurking in the corners of his thoughts, but touching Spock had brought it to the forefront, temporarily smashing whatever walls and blocks the half-Vulcan had put up and allowing their thoughts to meet once more.

Instead of being freaked out like he had the last time, Jim was amazed by the complexity of Spock's thoughts. They were rather like the fractal designs Jim had always slept through in math class but closely studied when he was alone, awed by their beauty. Frozen, Jim realized he could spend his life studying those thoughts and never be any less wonderstruck by them.

All of a sudden Spock moved away from their contact, saying, "It would be unwise to initiate any further contact between us." As he left the room, the barriers rose again and Jim could no longer see that beautiful mind.

Jim sat down in his chair, legs giving out under him as he sighed. He had been making so much progress with the half-Vulcan he considered by this point in time to be his friend. At times it was as if they had known each other for far longer than they actually had, and had been friends for all of that time.

At times Jim honestly believed he was nearing acceptance of being stuck with Spock for life.

However, it seemed like they had just taken three giant steps backward, and Jim wasn't sure how to proceed next. All he could do was continue as they had been and hope this sudden gap torn into what had been fast becoming a wonderful friendship would heal soon.

* * *

"SPOCK!"

Why, Jim wondered vaguely in the only corner of his mind that hadn't completely shut down in shock, did away missions always have to go so wrong? Their diplomatic proceedings had gone well until one of the people he was trying to negotiate with had noticed Spock's pointy ears and proclaimed they were all in league with what apparently equated in their culture to a devil. Therefore, diplomacy had quickly given way to fighting for survival until they could be beamed up.

Jim hadn't seen the knife that had been sent flying through the air straight toward him. Spock had, evidently, for he had blocked its path himself.

There was so much blood everywhere, but Jim couldn't stop fighting, not until he was sure they could be safe for a few moments. When he finally stunned the last of their attackers, Spock's eyes had slid shut and his breathing was labored. "Spock," he whispered, seeing where the knife had sliced through the half-Vulcan's side in its path.

Yanking his shirt off, Jim desperately pressed it over the wound, hoping to stem the flow of green blood over his hands. "Kirk to _Enterprise_!" he shouted into his comm. "Spock's hurt and we need to get back on board!"

If there was a response, he didn't notice it. He was too busy worrying about the bond he could feel weakening. But that wasn't supposed to happen!

...Unless one of them died.

"No," Jim whispered in horror, eyes stinging. Spock couldn't die. Spock was... what was he, exactly?

He was a friend, sure, but he was so much more too, he was the best damn First Officer in all of Starfleet, and he was Jim's bondmate despite the circumstances their link had arisen from.

And Jim loved him.

Typical, wasn't it? Of course Jim would realize that as Spock bled out under his hands.

Before he could think another thought, Jim noticed the unique sensation of being transported and was surrounded by what felt like every damn officer Bones employed down in sickbay. "Out of my way!" Bones shouted, making his way toward the pair of them.

Jim looked up, unable to say a word as Bones took in their situation. He was sure the lingering fear was visible on his face, though, and his vision was really blurry all of a sudden. He kept pace, though, as the half-Vulcan was rushed to sickbay.

When they got there, Bones shoved Jim onto a bed. "You stay right there," he growled, and Jim was too panicked to argue.

The bond continued to thin as Jim laid there. What was going on? He struggled to cling to what was left of it, but he wasn't sure how exactly to go about that. He wasn't the telepath in this relationship.

Blood. Spock's blood was drying on his hands. His First Officer had been dying, was _still_ dying, and there was nothing he could do. He had been absolutely helpless.

It hurt. It hurt more than Jim could have possibly imagined.

Jim wasn't sure how much time had passed, but all of a sudden he felt a fresh wave of agony. Dimly he was aware of someone screaming. He should try to help, he figured, if only he could muster the energy to get up.

When a nurse ran toward him the screams finally registered as his own. He didn't even notice the hypospray to the neck that knocked him out.

* * *

When Jim woke up Bones was standing over him grumbling. "Is Spock okay?" he asked, struggling to keep his words from slurring.

Bones, noticing for the first time that Jim was indeed awake, turned to him. "He'll be fine. But why the hell didn't you tell anyone the two of you were _bonded_?" he spat. "If I'd known, I would've knocked you out _before_ I did anything. But _no_, you had to keep your little secret and scare one of my nurses when you started _screaming_!"

"Bones-"

"Don't 'Bones' me! Why couldn't you _tell_ me?"

"Because at the time I was trying to wrap my _own_ head around it! You think I _planned_ this?" Jim demanded bitterly. "You think I _wanted_ to be a mess like this?"

"I'm not asking how it happened, dammit!"

"Well, it did, and at first it was the last thing I wanted, but now..." Now Jim could feel the bond that had finally settled, regaining its strength despite the dormancy on the other side of the link. The walls Spock had set up had shattered with his near-death experience, and Jim would do absolutely anything to make sure they stayed that way. Now that he had this bond to reach through, he had no idea how he could carry on without it, though he had admittedly only had one experience with it when Spock was actually conscious.

"Now, what?" Bones pressed.

"I love him," Jim confessed, looking helplessly at his hands.

...His hands which were still coated in Spock's blood.

Oh, _God_.

"Jim?" Bones looked concerned.

"He almost _died_. I could feel it. He would've died and he never would've _known_ and he should never have _doubted_-"

"God dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a psychic. You need to make things a little clearer if you actually want me to understand."

"I love him."

"Yes?"

"But I didn't when we were bonded. He should never have known a bond without that kind of love!" Jim felt guilty as hell and wasn't really surprised to feel his eyes stinging again.

All of a sudden Bones was surprisingly gentle. "But he will now," he said quietly, wrapping an arm around Jim's shoulders. "He'll wake up soon. Do you want to be there?"

Jim nodded weakly, and they quietly moved to Spock's bedside. Bones ran a few scans with his tricorder, then nodded to himself. "He'll wake up any second now. I'll leave you two alone. Talk to him, all right?"

Once more, Jim nodded, unable to speak in the face of Bones' sudden kindness even as the doctor left them.

Spock's face was stiller than he had ever seen it, especially in recent memory. Jim had just managed to start getting Spock to loosen up a bit, even as Spock proved a wonderful stabilizer to Jim's impulsive nature, so it was a little odd to see him so unmoving. Carefully he sat next to the half-Vulcan, wanting to be close but worried about hurting Spock any more than he already was.

Gently, Jim ran two of his fingers across Spock's cheek, feeling the warmth he had almost lost. Suddenly, overcome with emotion, Jim buried his face in one of Spock's shoulders.

Equally suddenly, a calming wave of comfort washed over him, carried by the bond. Spock was awake, then, so Jim looked up into dark eyes that were watching him closely. "Spock..." he whispered, desperately wanting to speak but unsure of exactly what words to use.

Another surge of comfort and Jim found himself crying into Spock's shoulder as one of the half-Vulcan's hands gently touched his back. _To think I almost lost this_.

_Jim?_ Spock sounded vaguely confused as the thought reached Jim's mind, probably at the strength of the emotions he must have been picking up.

_I love you_, Jim thought back with all the force he could muster. _I love you and I'm so sorry you had to be bonded to me without that for the longest time you should never have had to deal with that bonding is one of the greatest things that can happen to a Vulcan and you should never have experienced a loveless bond and-_

Spock cut off his rambling thoughts by grabbing one of Jim's hands, gently touching their index and middle fingers together in a gesture Jim vaguely recognized as a Vulcan kiss.

Without any pause for thought, Jim quickly ensured they were kissing the human way too, gently touching his lips to Spock's as he experienced the surprisingly strong emotions Spock was sending back his way, warmth and happiness and-

Love.

Spock loved him too.

Gently pulling away, Jim quickly clambered onto the edge of the bed, wrapping his arms around Spock while being careful to avoid his injured side. He smiled as Spock returned the embrace with one of his arms, allowing his relief and exhaustion to carry him into a comfortable rest.

* * *

When Jim woke up, he was warm and comfortable and people were talking about him. He couldn't really make out what was being said, just the quiet tones of Bones' and Spock's voices. With a tiny sigh of happiness, he snuggled into the warmth that was Spock and reached for him through their bond.

_Be still, t'hy'la,_ was the response from Spock.

Jim frowned. _What does that mean?_ he wondered.

_It has many meanings, and you encompass them all: friend, brother, lover._

Jim could no longer hide his conscious state of being from Bones. He was too busy kissing Spock in both the human and Vulcan ways as the doctor respectfully made his way out of sickbay for a few moments, giving the couple some much-needed peace for at least the next few moments as they atoned for their mistakes before they resumed saving the world by each other's sides.

* * *

Ember just noticed how many times she knocked Jim out and/or made him go to sleep. Wow.

Anywho, read and review? Please?


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